Pressure

I have listened this song a number of times, but for the first time, I actually heard it today.

You ever, get so familiar around a song that you actually don’t really string the lyrics together and then one day out of the blue, you actually connect the lyrics and it’s like a punch to the gut.

Truth be told, this year and perhaps the last two years since moving to this new city have been the most difficult in my Christian life.

For the first time in my life, I considered quitting church.

Back up a little bit- I don’t quit anything and Church…… uh uh.

I grew up a Muslim and then I became a Christian, but I hid it from everyone- long story for another day.

THERE WAS NOTHING I WANTED MORE THAN TO GO TO CHURCH – FREELY

I had to put that in all caps, so you know, all my life, I wanted to enjoy the little things Christians take for granted.

So also, did I never anticipate the drama, politics and stress that can often come, from congregating a bunch of not perfect persons, who are all assembled in this psych ward to get therapy.

In my previous city, I was very connected to the youth church and we built a family- we bonded, we hung out, we prayed together, cried together and our successes were shared.

When I knew that I was going to move to a new city- I high fived God and chuckled- “Bros J, you seen all the fasting and prayer and blood sweat and tears- I KNOW this new branch I am going to, would be nothing but perfect- matter of fact, I wouldn’t even be needed…..

When I moved, I was hurt, I was shocked by the state of uncare that there was for the supposed ‘next generation’ of the church- see things like that Bother me- I can’t just shrug and be like oh well- I’ll just come on Sunday, put my nose in the air and go home- I just cant.

So I go back to God and sigh, “I know how you’ve created me, and you know that I can’t just be here and not do anything. I’m very upset, because you know that I’m not coded to not care, so ….. Sigh”

I started off not talking about it- How some days I’ll sit in my house and just be tired- just want to be aloof and maybe even quit church- like am I the only that can care? – till I began to feel myself dying on the inside.

Then, change began to happen, everyone began to notice- it wasn’t quite business as usual- some crazy short girl has moved into the city and wouldn’t give up

….Then came the pressure.

I don’t have church history- so I don’t play church well, I don’t speak Christianese fluently and I don’t want to learn how to.

I am a Christian, who EVERYDAY has to find my reset button with God- I cant be complacent and act like I’m all fresh and I know God- if I did, I wouldn’t be on Earth.

I am a Christian, who has moments like Peter, I moonwalk on water and then realize that I am moonwalking on water and ……………………. I cant even swim….

I am a Christian who doesn’t like titles, or feeling boxed in sometimes and has to occasionally, stop and shed any – titles/ labels and not look at the people and listen to the opinions, but run to God and ask Him if He is okay with the way that I live my life.

Beingbola discovery: All along, the building, the meetings, the relationships with the people had been my happy place, now I had to battle, me the person, the worshipper, the living temple, being the happy place.

I do hope that Christians can genuinely take off the mask, the ‘I’m blessed brother, Praise the Lord Sister’, and be real and say, ‘I haven’t prayed in a week and I’m weak’- that Christians can be real and say, ‘man some days sin be looking mighty fine’- but like Paul says ‘I beat myself into submission.’ (1 Corinthian 9:27)

I intentionally wouldn’t post the actual song, but allow you first read the lyrics and you may find the song and artist.

I, I can’t even turn on my phone
Without being reminded of the lie
That I am alone and broken, unsuccessful
I, I can’t always talk to my friends
‘Cause they’ve got expectations
That I may or may not be living up to
I really need to rid myself

Of the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone else that the world has made
Jesus take from me
All the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone that you did not create

Help me be me
And only see you
Let me decrease
And glorify you

I, I thought my intentions were good
Just act like a Christian should
And hope, that someone watching would approve
And be inspired
But, if you’re not feeling my show
Then how far could I go before
All of my accomplishments
Go down in fire

Just cause of
Of the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone else that the church has made
Jesus take from me
All the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone that you did not create

I just wanna live
I just wanna live for you
Nobody else, but you